The “Non-Trad Wife.”
Last week, I posted a short video called “I am a non-trad wife.”
For those of you who are not up to date on the Gen Z lingo (believe me, I’m usually in your camp), “trad wife” refers to “traditional wife.” In 2024, there was an explosion of social media content romanticizing, glorifying, and, in some cases, cheekily poking fun at the tropes surrounding the stay-at-home wife. For instance, in one video, a stunningly beautiful woman, Nara Smith, is clad in a designer evening gown as she makes a Capri-Sun for her children from scratch. She intones all the ingredients in a somewhat unusually monotone voice as her perfectly manicured hands peel and chop up entire pineapples, pears, and oranges because her kids prefer the “Multivitamin” version. She throws all of this into her high-powered juicer and pours the mixture into reusable “juice packs.”
Aside from the evening gown, flawless makeup, and the eerily monotone voice-over, there isn’t anything very extraordinary about a mom wanting to make fresh juice for her kids. But in other videos, the same content creator is seen making tacos “because her husband wanted a home cooked meal.” In another, she recounts how she decided to make rice crispy treats to save her husband “the hassle” of buying the sticky snack for himself at the nearby store. Again, there’s nothing wrong, per se, about making rice crispy treats at home or wanting to regularly provide home cooked meals for your family.
And there’s definitely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mother. As I mentioned last week, I had the good fortune to hear Maria Shriver speak at a book event for her recently released memoir, I am Maria, and one thing she said that stood out to me was how “being a mother is enough.” It speaks to the insecurity borne by many women who believe they must somehow prove their value beyond motherhood. “Oh, I’m just a mom,” they might say when introduced to high-powered career women who, may themselves, also be mothers. But “just a mom” is enough, as Maria reiterates.
So, is there something wrong, then, with the “trad wife phenomenon”? At first blush, no, as described above. A window into the world of traditional wives is still a window into the world of many women. Women, in general, remain an inadequately represented demographic, despite making up half the planet and, as of 2023, nearly 1 in 4 women were stay-at-home wives. I welcomed the insight, since, I myself, am not a “trad wife.” But there’s adequate representation and then there’s fair representation. What does it mean that a modelesque woman in a couture gown churns her own butter using a fancy KitchenAid? And what does it mean that this particular representation of the “traditional wife” has collected hundreds of millions of views and tens of millions of followers?
In my view, we’ve now ventured beyond the “they deserve to be seen” concept and into the world of vicarious simulation, where the aspirational line between ludicrous fantasy and “relatable” starts to blur. When the attention economy overwhelmingly rewards the unattainable, it becomes all too easy to trick people into believing that there’s some truth to the fantasy. “Maybe I should look more presentable when I’m baking bread for the kids.” “Maybe I should put on makeup even if I have no plans to leave the house.” “Maybe I should churn my own butter every week.” The “should” doesn’t just voice itself into existence out of nowhere. It has a very traceable, very definitive source: millennia of misogyny. And once more, we’re back to where we started: being “just a mother” is NOT enough.
At the end of my own video, I posit that no one kind of wife–trad or non-trad–should win more admiration or virality than the other. Rather, all women deserve to be seen. But this latter statement is premised on the sentence I voice before it: “All women should just be allowed to be.” If it is a woman’s choice to wear an evening gown as she churns her own butter, so be it and more power to her! But it is often so hard to extricate choice from conditioning, agency from manicured subjugation, that I wonder how many trad-wives are truly “being” what they choose.
And then I chide myself for being precisely the infantilizing asshole I detest. A woman’s choice to do anything–pursue a career in law and forgo having children, give up a career in banking to raise her babies–they aren’t levers on a switchboard, clearly visible and easy to pull. Indeed, life is a myriad of both infinitesimal and colossal choices, as chaotic and snarled as a body’s nervous system. We can attach judgment to the structures that oppress women without judging the victims of that oppression. But there does, indeed, need to be a counterweight–not a rebuttal, mind you–to the trad-wife movement, to ensure that a full and honest portrait of womanhood emerges.
Parting Thoughts
One woman commented on my “non-trad wife” video saying, “you can’t have it both ways.”
I agree with this comment. But before you begin furiously typing up a reply to this post, let me explain.
My mother was a non-trad wife. She worked as a nurse our entire childhood. As a result, my grandmother and later, even my father, did most of the “trad” things around the house. My mother was rarely in the kitchen (other than when she was eating) and it was often my Dad who drove us to and from piano lessons, soccer practice, sleepover parties. Don’t get me wrong–Omma didn’t have it easy, by any means. When she wasn’t at work at her very high stress job (she worked in the emergency room), she was also expected to clean, grocery shop, help us with homework, and bake cupcakes for Valentine’s Day. It just so happened that my father worked the night shift, which meant that he was just more available than my mom during waking hours.
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a mom who stayed at home much more. Anthony, my husband, had a mom like that. I hear him talk about his childhood, I see his confidence and fearlessness, and yes, I ask myself, is this what it’s like to have been raised by a stay-at-home mom? Of course, it’s silly to think that one’s entire personality is determined solely by whether your mom stuck to the traditional framework of parenthood; but, I go back to how much I hated the sight of Omma’s back, clad in a blue-green nursing smock, walking towards her car. I wanted my mommy to stay home with me and I grew to hate the hospital that took her away from me.
But, at the same time, I’m almost certain my obsession with self-sufficiency comes from watching my mother. I learned from her how dangerous it can be to depend on anyone, much less a man, for financial stability and actualization. The world can be brittle, breaking open to reveal a senseless cruelty, especially to women, and I never wanted to be unprepared for that eventuality. I am lucky that when I got a divorce, I could afford it. I am lucky that when I left my ex-husband, I knew my financial future would be just fine. I am lucky that when I decided to start my career as a writer, I had my own savings to serve as a safety net.
Or, I should say, I am lucky I had a mother who taught me that resilience is a matter of preparation and preparation begins inside myself.
So yes, I hated having to say goodbye to Mommy all those countless days she went to work instead of staying at home to play with us. But I don’t think I’d be the person I am today if it weren’t for the model she provided.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Wishing you all the best,
-Joanne
I think your one line sums it up “All women should just be allowed to be.” Like my running friends tell me, “run your own race,” and “Jim, you do you!” There is joy in letting people “be” and doing what feels right to them.
I will never not love a running analogy to everything in life, Jim. Thank you for sharing this!!
Are there people who seriously believe trad wife content? It’s just fake eye candy to lure views from mostly chauvinistic men who wish for subservient wives. One famously got fired from her job (ie she had a job outside the home so not a trad wife as she claimed) for posting racist rants. Josh Johnson has an very funny set explaining this nonsense
I think there are DEF folks who have bought into the whole “trad wife” glamorization. But, I think the real danger is how non-women (i.e., men) view the content…!
I’ve always said that I was born to be a trad wife. Perhaps because after my parents divorced I was my mom’s backup to take care of my two younger sister while mom was going to work and then to school.
I know, and enjoy doing all the chores of a home, from home made cooking to cleaning, to sewing, etc.; In fact, when I was married did all that, plus I had to work full time. Now that I am divorce, working full time and going back to school full tine also, I still manage to find time to do what I enjoy doing, being a trad divorcee and mom of dogs and cats. 🙂
Venus, I think many would suggest you were NOT a trad-wife, if you were working full time! But I love what your story reveals–that labels aren’t always very useful and tend to box us into a set description, instead of doing justice to the truth. The truth is, you are a determined, hard-working, and committed woman, with a wide range of interests and loves. Whether you call yourself a trad-wife or not, that deserves to be celebrated. <3
Great email! I haven’t spent much time thinking about this, but I am *definitely* a “non-trad” wife! And so was my mother. My mom had it all, and did it all: a PhD in Education, a thriving career, an example to other women (she got a glowing memorial on the Association for Training and Development’s web site). But also, an amazing cook, artist and gardener. Like your mother, she showed me how to do it all and have it all, and made sure I didn’t settle for less! Sometimes her career did come first, though. My sister and I spent several years living with our grandparents, so she could chase her career. That was heartbreaking, but a good lesson. And it helped form my ideas of what I could do with my life. I chose not to have children, and like you, I was self sufficient when I divorced. Mom was married four times! Which was another good lesson for me, that it’s OK to start over (although she gave me a lot of grief when I did divorce, go figure).
Thanks for sharing!
Ann, Your mom sounds like a total BADASS!!! It must have been amazing to learn from her on forging your own path. But omg I totally relate to the “heartbreak” of being without her when you were growing up! And I love the way you end your comment–“it’s ok to start over.” So many people need to hear this when “failure” threatens to unravel our sense of worth. Thank YOU for sharing!!
I too am not a trad wife. Indeed, I’m probably the very opposite of such a person! I don’t have kids (child-free by choice rather than circumstance). I do none of the housework including laundry, grocery shopping, cooking… On the other hand, I have a job and bring in the bacon, as it were. I am married to a domestic god of a husband and in this phase of our life, we happily invert all those trad man / trad woman stereotypes (though they were more evenly distributed once upon a time). And it works for us. So many young women (and women my age too) seem to resent the role they play within their marriages yet they have not just tacitly accepted it but actively made it so. I would encourage every individual, and each couple (or family unit) to work out honestly the roles that work best for them, and worry less about fitting in with what the majority may or may not be doing.
Kavita, I congratulate you on creating such an effective dynamic in your partnership! I say this as someone who has definitely run up against what you describe: “tacitly accept[ing] and actively ma[king] it so”! It is really hard to define one’s role “from scratch,” as it were, when none of us (including men) start with a blank slate. We arrive at our partnerships with so much conditioning that it can feel overwhelming to disentangle what is ours and what is not. Thank you for sharing a little peek into your marriage and for encouraging women to do that work!!
I loved this line from your essay: “Indeed, life is a myriad of both infinitesimal and colossal choices, as chaotic and snarled as a body’s nervous system.” It made me think of how each of our choices leads to a different algorithm of life, different lives we will, and won’t, experience. Thanks for your delicious recipes and your food for thought.
Kim, have you ever seen that movie, Sliding Doors? It’s an older film, but I recommend you check it out. I firmly believe in the idea that even the smallest choices can lead to big changes. And to me, this is always a good reason to hold off on judgment and try, as much as possible, to exercise compassion. It doesn’t always work lolol! But it’s a good reminder, nonetheless!!
The term “trad wife” is not a new concept! It’s been around for a very long time, but truly became a part of the everyday language once content creators like Nara Smith started gaining more traction on their social media accounts. Nara Smith herself is already a famous model & depending on what side of the internet you liked to look at when you were younger, she was used in different fan casts for different fandoms & I believe she was also active on tumblr & other social media sites (but don’t quote me on that!). So her rise to social media fame was already a given. Her husband is also a famous model so they’re both working.
People label Nara Smith as a “trad wife” as a way to say that she is peddling women to become an idolized stay at home wife & mom who lets her husband take control of all aspects of her life (This is the nicest way I can say what people call her. It’s usually a lot more cursing.). But she has a very dry sense of humor that goes over a lot of people’s heads. I think there is a healthy balance between working & being a mom, but it takes commitment, a good partner,
& a good support system to be able to balance that.
Ellie, thank you for the background on Nara Smith! I figured she was a model but didn’t know she had such a long history on social media. I love what you say at the end about “a healthy balance.” Easier said then done, for sure, but a worthy aspiration nonetheless!!