Toxic Jealousy.
A few days ago, I received a DM in my Instagram inbox from someone I didn’t know. I could see the beginning of the message: “Did you see this…” Typically, these types of messengers are sharing videos they think I might find inspiring (e.g., innovative veganization of Korean dishes, really heartwarming stories about Korean immigrants, etc.) or they’re giving me a heads up on something that might concern me (e.g., someone using my content without credit, an account pretending to be me, etc.). I therefore tapped on the message, hoping it would be a “nothing burger.”
The woman DM’ing was a fan and wanted to alert me to another Korean American content creator who had recently posted something about my forthcoming book, The Korean Vegan HOMEMADE. In fact, the post was a photo of the cover with a long-ish caption. There was, however, nothing in the DM that suggested whether it was a negative or positive post. Should I be worried? or would I be moved? Intrigued, I tapped on the shared post and scrolled down to the caption.
It begins with “I’ve only met or heard about three Korean vegans in my entire life. One of them is the author of this book.”
So far, nothin’ bad.
“It’s extremely hard to be a Korean vegan who spends time with other Koreans.”
Ok… given what I’ve written myself about visiting South Korea, I can’t disagree.
The content creator then goes onto describe how important “eating food” is to Korean culture: “Korean culture is fundamentally one of eating food. We also share the making of food together. Eating and drinking together is how we get to know each other and bond.” Again, I can’t disagree, though, I would add that the practice of eating, sharing, and cooking food is “fundamental” to just about every culture on the planet since, as humans, we require food to survive as a species!
The Instagrammer than posits that those who refuse a certain food due to their ethical choices (i.e., because you’re vegan) risk being rude and thus unable to participate in the “fundamental” rites of bonding she referenced in the earlier sentence, to wit: “if you’re the lone person at the table who refuses to eat this or that, you can easily be seen as anti-social.”
The red flags began to emerge as I made my way to the bottom of her meandering paragraph of observations, which she ends with the following:
“This book is pandering to a general American audience. Nothing about it is of interest to me. If I want to learn about Korean vegan dishes, I’m watching videos made by Korean Buddhist monks. #nokoreanvegan”
Look, I know what some of you are saying to yourselves (though you may not ever hit “send” on the email containing said thoughts): “What’s the big deal? So she doesn’t like your book. Not everyone will. Grow a thicker skin, will ya?”
Here’s why I don’t think it’s just a matter of one person not liking my book (because there will be a lot more than one person who won’t like my book!).
First of all, this woman has over 12,000 followers on Instagram. Many of these followers include people I know in the Korean American community–people who also have substantial reach over their communities. People I considered to be my friends. That level of subscription equates to exponential influence–influence she chose to use against me and my book, a book she hasn’t read yet (unless she committed a literal crime). The post went out to her thousands of followers and garnered (the last I checked before blocking her) over 600 “likes.”
Second, the creator positions herself as an expert on Korean culture. She’s a bit older than I am (in her mid-50s) and was born and raised in Korea (unlike myself). While her statements regarding the challenge associated with practicing veganism in South Korea are true, and there are potential social implications for refusing certain dishes because of your ethical stance on consuming animal products (as if these don’t exist elsewhere…), the conclusion she sets forth, that there is “#nokoreanvegan,” is, in a word, outdated:
As of 2021, there were approximately 2.5 million people in Korea following a vegan diet. (Id.) This represents a staggering 1,556% increase in the past 13 years. Put another way, “[t]he number of vegans has increased tenfold from 2008 to 2018, and has shown a growth of around 67 percent in the three years after that.” (Id.) K-pop idols and k-drama stars are embracing the vegan diet. Indeed, it was the director of the Oscar award winning movie, Parasite, Bong Joon-ho, who helmed the film Okja–a heart crushing film that reveals with unflinching temerity the horrors of Big-Ag and is responsible for making many people remove animal products from their diet. The fact that my first book, The Korean Vegan Cookbook, was translated into Korean and is now being sold in bookstores all throughout South Korea is, itself, an extraordinary testament (if I can pat myself on the back here) to just how explosively the vegan movement has taken hold of the Korean zeitgeist.
So, in addition to choosing to use her influence against me and my work, she does so with the employment of misinformation.
Third, the creator pits individual ethics against traditional norms, heavily implying that one obviously outweighs the other and that they can never happily coexist. In so doing, she also implies that traditions are, by their nature, infallible and should never be questioned. This is a frequent but pernicious conflation that occurs in diaspora: you miss your native culture so your native culture is perfect. It is an exploitation of the immigrant’s longing for community and cultural connection for the reinforcement of unchecked nationalism (the bad kind) and the existing infrastructures of power. She gets to be the gatekeeper of “what is Korean,” and she derives a sliver of power from that role, while, of course, channeling the rest of it to the power dynamic that has had a stranglehold on Korea for millennia.
I’ll pause here to say I love Korea. I hope to live there while I work on my next book. Nothing would bring me greater joy than growing intimately familiar with the nation that shaped my parents and my grandparents. I am also proud of Korea. While I am by no means a political scholar, I can see how much the people of Korea value their franchisement (77% voter turnout) and the protection of their relatively nascent democracy. When I compare their recent and decisive rebuttal to the idiotic deployment of martial law to our own nation’s response to January 6, I am filled with deep admiration and respect for the Korean people.
But I am not a Koreaboo. I am not a Korea apologist.
The wealth gap in Korea is a problem that no one but the obscenely wealthy (i.e., the chaebols) will deny. Korea remains decidedly behind the United States or other western nations when it comes to dismantling homophobia, anti-Blackness, and rampant Islamophobia. And of course, there is the age-old problem of misogyny.
Of all nations of high income economies, South Korea ranks dead last when it comes to the gender pay gap, with women earning approximately 31% less than their male peers. Women are woefully underrepresented in positions of leadership or high-wage earning jobs and many large (prestigious) institutions have had to defend against disturbing allegations of gender discrimination and recruitment practices designed to favor men. In short, there are far fewer seats at the table for Korean women than there are for Korean men.
And that brings us right back around to the Korean American woman who took time out of her day, space on her Instagram feed, good will from her not insubstantial community, to dedicate an entire unsolicited and wholly unprovoked post against another Korean American woman.
There’s this really compelling modern parable about a very wealthy landlord who throws a massive banquet at his beautiful mansion. He invites his wealthy landlord peers, other individuals of industry, and all of his tenant farmers (who are decidedly not wealthy). All of the landlord’s guests arrive at the address, excited to partake in a sumptuous meal full of interesting people. But it soon becomes apparent that not all guests are equal. Some are welcomed at the great, mahogany double doors at the front of the landlord’s home, while others are funneled through a shabby side entrance, out of view. While those greeted at the front are shown promptly to a humongous banquet table crammed with enough gourmet food and wine to feed a small city, those who come via the side door are led to a crowded, dimly lit hall in the basement where the fare is composed of a watery soup, stale bread, and barely edible fruitcake.
Both sets of guests sit down to enjoy their meals–the wealthy landlords at a golden table, the tenants on random stools and picnic benches. The host begins to make his rounds, greeting his guests, high-fiving his real estate bros, asking his servers to bring out more caskets of wine, the “good stuff” for the men of industry getting drunk inside his home. Then, he heads downstairs to the basement, where he greets his tenants with a hardly manufactured exuberance: “Well, I hope you all are enjoying your free food!” He starts walking around the crowded room with mixed expressions of artificial concern when he says things like, “How’s Jessie? He’s around 5 years old now?” or “Yeah, I know, the tariffs are just killin’ me too!” or “I wish there was something I could do to lower our grocery bills.”
Eventually, he comes to a small, hastily erected card table where two of his tenants are seated. One of them is an older woman, a loyal tenant farmer, one who has worked hard and without complaint for decades. Seated next to her is a younger woman, a relatively new recruit to the landlord’s farming enterprise. He puts a hand on each woman’s shoulder before saying, “Thank you both for the work you do. I appreciate you.” He picks his hands up and makes as if he’s going to exit the room, but just before he does, he bends over and whispers the following into his loyal tenant’s ear:
“Better watch out,” he warns, nodding towards the young woman seated next to her. “She’s going to steal your fruitcake.”
I’m sure the above needs no explanation. Also, by now, you will hopefully understand why I’ve chosen to keep this person anonymous. Who she is isn’t relevant. Suffice it to say, I can hazard a guess as to why this person felt compelled to publicly denigrate my work. Because I’ve been there. I’ve been the jealous, toxic Korean American woman who let her envy get the better of her. When I see other Korean American women thriving in Hollywood, when I see other Korean American female content creators going viral on TikTok, when I see other Korean American businesswomen building household brands–I get jealous. And I ask myself why isn’t that ME?
Because there’s some ingrained part of me that knows that for every seat at the table–even a shitty table full of shitty food–that gets occupied by her means one less seat being saved for me.
And it is powerfully tempting to train my resentment on the one right next to me, instead of the dude upstairs grandstanding with his peers.
Luckily, though, I am a smart person! LOLOLOL. I’m also a nice person, hehehe. I not only recognized my ugly feelings for what they were and never ever ever in a million years acted out on them, I also figured out why I had them. My parents, who grew up in poverty and fear, gifted me with the afore-detailed scarcity mentality, which, of course, was reinforced by systemic racism and misogyny throughout my life and career. Having arrived at this breakthrough, I concluded that the answer could not be running over my fellow Korean American women, but running with them. In fact, making sure to cheer them on, offering them some water out of my water bottle, or even handing over a couple ibuprofens when the race gets tough. Because the only solution to being relegated to the basement is to ensure that as many of us as possible cross the finish line, where there is more than enough to feed all of us if there are enough of us to wrest the excess from those who would keep it from us.
I’ve heard from a lot of women who’ve confessed to harboring similar feelings, which is why I’m sharing my own experience here at the risk of being maligned by all of you (I mean, not really, because you all are really nice, compassionate people). I’ve been both the subject and object of jealousy and neither is a good situation. I’ve heard less from men who’ve felt this way (Anthony, for example, has never felt anything remotely similar), but I don’t doubt that some form of this may exist with men, too. We may not want to own up to the former, because it seems petty, ugly, and unkind. But it is impossible to eradicate these things if we don’t confront them and we can’t confront them if we don’t talk about them with honesty.
I’m always curious to hear your thoughts (when conveyed politely!). Drop them below. Oh, and, as always, thanks for letting me share, safely.
Parting Thoughts
When my first book came out in 2021, my publisher scheduled a few days of a truncated book tour in Los Angeles so that I could sign books and do a couple of events. Quarantine had been lifted (I was lucky in that my book came out during the short lull between Delta and Omicron) and folks came out to stand in line, purchase extra copies, and chat with me about what my stories meant to them. At a smaller signing at my favorite vegan cafe (Joi Cafe in Westlake Village), a long line curled out from under the eaves of the small strip mall.
Among them was a Korean American woman who drove in all the way from Burbank with her two boys. She told me she was proud of me and even as I write this sentence, the tears are welling. This was four years ago and it still means so freaking much to me, precisely because I know how easily that pride could have been resentment; because of how lonely and hurt I felt when other Korean Americans lambasted me for being “whitewashed” and fake. The next day, she came by to the independent bookstore where I was signing their stock. She apologized for being “stalkerish,” but she wanted me to sign more books for her friends and she brought me some vegan snacks, to keep me energized throughout the tour.
I don’t have any sisters. I’m the eldest female of my generation here in the United States. I have older female cousins in Korea, but given how infrequently I get to see them, I don’t often get to use the word “Unni”–the word for “older sister” in Korean. “Unni” denotes so much–too much for me to include in these Parting Thoughts. As I gave this woman a hug and thanked her over and over again, “Unni” echoed in my head and lingered long after the sight of her disappeared.
Wishing you all the best,
-Joanne
Newsletter
I’m a carnivore, eating low carb with minimal grains and zero sugar. I abhor most packaged plant “milk” and consider it highly processed poison. The desire for almond and soy “milks” are also, IMV, having a shocking environmental impact (on bees and deforestation respectively). So veganism isn’t without its issues.
However, I have a sister and her partner, a solo sister, a niece and her partner, a nephew and his partner who are all vegan, as well as a third sister who is vegetarian. I love them all and respect their choices, so I’ve collected a gazillion vegan recipes online and would never think of expecting them to eat anything that impinged on their values. I’ve also bought eight vegan cookbooks, yours included (yours is great, by the way) so that I can cook vegan when they are sharing my table.
I have watched non-vegan friends from a variety of cultures recoil in horror or adopt a hectoring style when faced with the need to include vegan options. Your Korean critic is no different. I’ve watched Italians and French people say exactly the same thing. Asking family or friends to eat with you is a generous approach to food. That generosity should extend to allow your guests to say no to some (or even all) of the choices (as long as the host is warned in advance). So I would agree that your critic has an outdated and rigid attitude.
As far as worrying about your critic’s reach – I’m less concerned. Influencers and podcasters thrive on conflict. Your work is what matters.
Your column today also touches on a dilemma that impacts many of us. Recognising the perniciousness of the envy of other women who “are taking my places” is, IMV, profound. Good on you for understanding and sharing that insight. Choosing not to act on that envy is something we all should strive for, and good on you again for not doing so.
Finally – I usually enjoy reading your musings and empathise with many of your uncertainties. I always appreciate your shared recipes, provided to us all at no cost.
So thanks – and good luck with the new book, which I will certainly buy.
Marguerite Scott
(Tasmania Australia)
Hey Joanne,
I’m also a Korean Canadian and vegan for 5 years. It sounds like we experienced similar environments growing up (not rich) and struggled with similar emotions. I’ve always been ashamed to admit the toxic jealousy I’ve felt towards others but it somehow feels more potent when it’s triggered by another that looks like me. Though I’d like to think that I’m better at handling those complex emotions now (teehee). It’s uncomfortable to feel “ugly” emotions like that and I really commend you on how you processed it all, thanks for showing me how to do it with grace and poise.
Truth be told, I’ve always kinda tensed up in my relationships with the Korean community growing up and never really felt acceptable enough and a vegan diet did not make that easier. So it really was a huge comfort discovering your content. The world can be such a noisy and lonely place and your blog is like a little emotional oasis where I can feel safe and connected to thoughtfulness and creativity of another (that looks like me!), its been restorative and uplifting. I admire you and your work, please don’t accept these ignorant opinions when they try to tell you about yourself.
Just know that I came for the recipes but I stayed for the compassionate storytelling. Thanks for sharing yours with us.
I am neither Korean American nor American, but I am one of your silent supporters—originally from the Philippines, now living in Cambodia.
While I am not vegan, I deeply resonate with your values. I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts and show my full love and support for you. I’ve been following your content on Instagram, and your videos and posts consistently spark liberation, creativity, and joy within me. I admire how you express your thoughts with honesty, free from prejudice or arrogance.
I love Korean culture, dramas, and the generosity that shines through every Korean I have meet since my university year (I am almost 39 now!) Your profile has become a space I enjoy revisiting—a place where I find confidence and truth. As a woman, a mother, and most importantly, as a person who has experienced biases within the Asian community, among colleagues, and in the organization where I currently volunteer, I believe that anything degrading or devaluing someone’s personal space should never be tolerated.
Kudos to you for your transparency and vulnerability. It is important to be outspoken, but even freedom has its intangible boundaries. While everything may be beneficial, not everything is permissible. Don’t let yourself be defined by a single person’s opinion. Keep shining beyond your critics, but more importantly, keep growing—outgrowing our own pity parties, self-inflicted shame, and regrets. Like that critic who posted something unpleasant about you, she might have her own fair share of deliberations that gnawingly haunt her.
There will always be voices of criticism, but there are also silent supporters who share your core values and cheer you on from afar. As a mother, I hope my daughter inherits even a fraction of your strength and resilience—mentally and emotionally. Stay motivated. Although I may not be able to buy your book, I truly hope you continue creating and sharing Korean cuisine that we can comfortably prepare and enjoy.
Thank you for your presence in the online community.
Much love from a Filipino mom in Cambodia. ❤️
Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartening message. It especially touched me to read that you want your own daughter to emulate me in any way. That is truly one of the most moving things anyone has ever said to me. You are so right about the “silent supporters.” It’s hard to remember them when the critics are so loud! But reminders like yours are especially powerful and I am grateful beyond what I can describe. Thank you thank you thank you so much from this Korean American woman in Los Angeles. <3
From my understanding, the difference between envy and jealousy is that the former is coveting what the other has. Jealousy often can be a rivalry or fear of losing in a relationship.
When I younger, I felt jealous of my father favoring other siblings. Going so far as making comments in within earshot of me visiting in Taiwan, to tell my siblings to wait until “they leave so we can go eat the good stuff.”
I’m over it now, I’m also not jealous in relationships of other women with age. Fears change with age and prioritizing how I feel about myself takes precedence over how others make me feel now.
Sorry someone from with your ethnic community lacked the tact to keep her click bait inside her mind where it should have stayed.
Judy, I’m so sorry you experienced that during your childhood. Even if the sting isn’t there, it’s interesting (sometimes discouraging) how episodes from our childhood can still influence the way we view the world and interact with others. I heartily congratulate you for getting over it–I think that’s harder than many ppl realize!! I took me a solid 48 hours of thinking and self-reflection to understand my own motivations and fears, but it was worth the effort. That fear you describe is an ugly one. And thank YOU for your note of solidarity. My husband said, “what happened to the idea that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Butt I love the way you put it: “click bait”!!
I am Korean American. I love our people, our culture, our language, our history, and especially our food and your work is adding to the richness of our collective story. Thank you for putting it out in the world and standing up for yourself.
Jessica, thank you so much for this note of solidarity and encouragement. It means a lot. I’m also so happy to hear that my recipes and stories have been so well received. <3<3<3
Preach sister! Yes yes yes to allll of this! I’m a female Korean American, and what you write is truth. I’m not a vegan (tried once, may try again someday with the help of your recipes), so I follow you bc you inspire me, not only on an identity level, but with cooking too. I have a hard time meeting other Korean or Korean American women I resonate with, and I live in LA.. I don’t fit the mold that was heavily programmed into me at birth. You may have felt lack or jealousy in the past for thinking there’s 1 less seat at the table, but what you’ve created is a whole new table.
Jong, wow, what you said about creating a “whole new table”–that hit so hard!!! Thank you so much for your incredibly kind and encouraging comment. Like you, I’ve often felt like I don’t “fit the mold” and I am so glad that my recipes and cooking videos make you feel comfortable as you are. Thank you so much!!! And hopefully, some of my recipes will inspire you to eat more veggies!
I love your stuff! All of it!
Blast the morons who try to stand on your shoulders.
Don’t let a calcified brain spoil your zen.
Poor thing who criticized you feels bad about herself and tries to boost her self esteem by putting others down. tsk tsk.
Thank you for sharing many vegan Korean recipes as the world is changing and the compassionate people are going vegan!
Karen, hahahaha “blast the morons”!!! I love that imagery!! Thank you for this incredibly kind boost of confidence. I needed it and you provided the perfect one!!!
I’m not of Korean origin but I’m a vegetarian who is drawn to your posts for 2 reasons. Firstly never been able to try Korean food here in Australia because most contain animal product, including the famous Kimchi. Your dishes excite me because I can finally make some Korean dishes to try myself.
Secondly, you are paving your own authentic identity and a brave enough to make your statement. Being of Indian origin, growing up in Sydney, Australia, I faced many cultural conflicts and identity confusion but am discovering my authentic self now, some 50 years after my parents migrated. I don’t quite fit in as an Australian in local societies nor as an Indian in the society back home (Singapore).
About your nemesis who has denigrated your cookbook and stance on veganism, it’s a sad thing to observe. Why can’t all the people of any culture be happy and share success without feeling the need to dismiss the work and thoughts of others? Life isn’t a competition where some win and some lose. It should be that we all get across to the ‘finishing line’ with the help of our tribe. I applaud your humanitarian ethics, and her post does not deter me away from your mission. Keep on going, and don’t look back.
Mala, I love what you said: “Life isn’t a competition where some win and some lose.” I think so many ppl lose sight of that. Life can be so hard and unfair, sometimes, that they’re led to believe that it IS a competition, that we are all fighting over one lousy morsel of fruitcake. But when we step back and realize that we are all on a path, that we are all trying to pursue joy, it’s better to either help ppl or, at the very least, not stand in their way. I’m so so glad you get to try more Korean food because of my work and can readily empathize with your feelings of cultural conflict. But again–that conflict is a part of our journeys, one that can use to help each other. So thank you so much for helping me, today, with this note. <3
This is so well written. I must say you are much more generous than I would be lol. I am white and only a part time vegan but I love your IG and your journey. Thank you for all of this.
Traci, thanks so much for this. Believe me, I had a few *private* very UNgenerous thoughts that I shared with Anthony!! But, luckily, I got those out of my system and made space for a more *adult* discussion that I thought might be beneficial to other ppl. I am so glad to hear you enjoy my IG content and really grateful you stopped here to drop this note. <3
Having lived in Korea for 12 years, I can confidently say that Korean Americans are a diverse group. Many take pride in their heritage and are open to sharing it with non-Koreans. However, a small minority are strongly nationalistic and may react defensively to criticism or perspectives that challenge traditional views of Korea.
I would recommend she watch Korean cooking shows, which are becoming increasingly diverse, reflecting the variety of restaurants in Seoul. Although vegan food is relatively new in Korea, it is growing steadily. For example, I persuaded my Korean girlfriend, who is a chef in Seoul, to try a local vegan pasta restaurant, and she really enjoyed it.
Keep up your efforts, Joanne. You will always encounter critics-what some call “crabs in a bucket”-but stay true to your path.
Scott, first of all, I’m envious (non-toxically) of your residence in Korea!!! What an incredible experience it must be to get to live in Korea for that long! And I agree–I actually watch a TON of korean cooking shows and read a lot of Korean blogs (in Korean, thanks to my Dad!) to inform the way I develop my recipes and it’s been really interesting how Korean cuisine continues to evolve. So glad to hear your gf enjoyed the vegan pasta–hopefully, you’ll get to cook something really amazing for her, as well!! And THANK YOU–will avoid all crabby buckets as much as possible!
I teared up at the unni story. I am adopted and have difficulty feeling belonging with other Korean-Americans. Unni is also one of the few words I remember. That and 고양이 😹 I also have a lot of food memories, so am grateful you are providing veganized versions.
Jen, thanks for sharing this. Sometimes, the words in Korean carry a different meaning, one that defies explanation in English. “Unni” is as much about protection, nurturing, and mentorship, as it is about one’s age. And I like cats too!! LOLOL. I’m so glad you enjoy my food and stories and am grateful you stopped in to tell me so. <3
Your post reminded me of some complex feelings that arose for me in my last workplace. While not directly related to your story, I think it’s interesting to explore the nuances of being a visible minority and our subconscious expectations of support from fellow minorities. In my last corporate role, I was one of very few women of Asian descent in a leadership role within a male-dominated function. I often had to work with a African American woman in a slightly higher role, who was often quite antagonistic towards me and my team. I wanted my work to stand for itself and hated reducing relationships to race and gender. But I had to admit to myself that it hurt more to have another visible minority woman to have to ‘fight’, in order to feel successful in the job than it did with the usual white patriarchy. But I had to ask myself, if the disappointment I felt was more a reflection of myself and my perhaps unrealistic expectations towards other visible minorities in our competitive workplace versus a real reflection of the other woman. So even though it’s not the same situation at all, your reflections in your post resonated with me a lot. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. This was such a thoughtful response to my story. Thank you so much for sharing it. It is very insightful for you to posit the question: whether we unfairly burden “visible minorities” with unrealistic expectations or even projections of our own feelings of inadequacy. It’s sort of the reverse of my own situation, but I can see how, in both cases, the source of the internal conflict is the same. Thank you for sharing this. It’s something to keep in mind in my own journey and I’m grateful that you thought to raise it!
The parable poignantly illustrates how we are not just held down systemically, but also how we are often pitted against one another. And, as if we don’t already have enough to overcome in our society, many of us still readily take-the-bait. We need to be smarter and kinder than our “programming”. Banding together in solidarity is the only way forward. ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿
Kate you’re EXACTLY right. It’s bad enough that the system would hold us down, but we are being tricked into doing the work for them!! Thank you for your note of solidarity and encouragement!!
You are Running with them, with all of us – because this is 2025 and your 5MM+ fans can attest to that. As a fellow author, we know that there will be critiques of our work but that doesn’t mean that we won’t take it to heart, especially the mean and hurtful comments. I do see the meaning and appreciate the value of people being Experts in their fields (writing, culture, food, life, etc.) and I would like to think of those individuals as Teachers, and that doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be inside brick and mortar to earn that title. But that also doesn’t mean spreading a hateful opinion, that is not teaching, that is not meaningful to be spread in the world. That is viral toxicity and any ‘Influencer’ should know that even 1 follower can take your words to another level and that is exactly what a virus does best, spread. But if someone says it, it must be true – It’s such a common line of thought in society, such a common thing to think. You may not realize just how often it’s repeated in different forms. I also believe that your upcoming book cover picture (which is beautiful BTW) was used to draw in everyone and some of the likes may have been accidental hits because your book will be coming out soon. I wouldn’t want to think that 600+ are in agreement but everyone is allowed to have their own thoughts. My Italian grandmother would have completely understood if someone couldn’t eat something on the table, whether it was allergies, etc…but she would expect you then to have two helpings of whatever you could eat 🙂 I myself would be considered Honhyeol (mixed blood), Italian, Irish, Japanese and Korean – a complete melting pot I am..Would that mean I’m not allowed to be an expert to others? It shouldn’t. All I know is that I am the expert of my own field, my own life – and I enjoy all things food related, whether it is my chosen lifestyle or not. A recipe, an amazing picture and a thoughtful story- at the end of the day, that’s all that it is. Turn the channel if you don’t want to see it, put the book down if you don’t want to read it. That’s all someone has to do…You keep cooking, writing and winning awards – pretty sure the NYT Best Seller Listing will have your name on it again soon ♥
Kellasandra, this comment made me want to jump out of my seat and run a marathon!!!! TALK ABOUT CHEERING A WOMAN ON you should be a professional empowerer!!! Thank you so much and thank you especially for your nuanced understanding of social media. I literally could not agree MORE with what you said–how ppl make all sorts of assumptions about what they see online: “well if they published it on the internet, it must be true! b/c she’s an ‘expert’!” And thank you for the kind observation about the book photo–it never occurred to me that ppl could have liked the post just for the photo, without reading the diatribe. And finally, i LOVED the image of your nonna making you eat two helpings of pasta!!! It made me miss the dinners we have with Anthony’s Italian family in Rome–his cousin would make so many different pastas for the vegans and we loved them!! Thank you thank you thank you for this incredible note and for the reminder that we are all allowed to be “experts in our own lives.” <3
Ha ha 🙂 thank you for the kind words – I’m just a poet and writer of short stories but a supporter of all women who are creative. I used to have restaurants and a bakery so my weakness is cookbooks and that’s how I found you. Like I mentioned before; a recipe, an amazing picture and a thoughtful story and I was hooked. Thank you again for being who you are and I’ll be your fan for life!
I love this article, Joanne. I often go through the exercise of identifying who I am jealous of in order to understand what I am seeking. And – I follow that up with making sure I NEVER act on the jealousy, but instead channel those feelings into myself and my growth. You are the envy of thousands of women – in the best possible way. Unfortunately, some people are not capable of expressing this in a rational, productive way. I think this exists with men too, but somehow I don’t see them taking down other men the way that women quickly do with one another. Interesting topic for me to explore… love you Joanne ❤️
NB thanks for this. I love the analytical approach you take to this. It’s like, “let’s step back from the feeling and see if we can unpack it towards growth.” And sadly, I think our world is now plagued with ppl who cannot express themselves in a “rational, productive way”!! 😅 Which is why I aim higher!! I love the point you make about men: “they don’t take down other men the way that women quickly do with one another.” Another commmenter mentioned how one of the secrets to male patriarchy is precisely the “brotherhood” you allude to. What would the C-suites look like if women adopted the same? <3<3<3
I bought your first book a couple days ago and last night I made the stir fried mung bean sprouts for dinner. My husband and I inhaled it. So good! Tonight will be the tofu with kimchi. Am I not allowed to visit Korea? I’m sad you felt you had to explain yourself to an Instagram troll. What she really wrote is that *she* is offended if someone doesn’t eat *her* food, totally throwing out the worldwide cultural norm of hospitality and making a guest feel welcome. I think the norm of hospitality trumps her ideas about forcing everyone to eat meat. It’s too bad for her that she’s triggered and inhospitable.
Celeste, when I read comments like yours, I have to stop and ask God, “how did I get this lucky to have random ppl in my life who are so nice to me?” And I’m not a very religious person!! This was just the kindest comment! First, I’m so glad you and your husband enjoyed the mung bean stir fry. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with korean dramas, but that dish was inspired by Itaewon Class! And Kimchi Dooboo is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE bar foods! I’m so excited for you to try it and all the other fun recipes! And thank you for the translation you provided. I have to say: SPOT ON and delightfully snarky/soothing. And you are so right: “the norm of hospitality trumps her ideas of forcing everyone to eat meat.” <3
While I am not in the same line of work, I can wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment. I work in IT, which even now in 2025 is still largely a male dominated field. I have over 30 years of experience, certifications, education, etc. What I have learned is that there is enough room at the table for all of us. And if you are a woman, and you achieve a seat at that table, the only proper thing to do is to bring two chairs with you, and lift and support other women so that they can take a seat as well. Speak their names in rooms that they are not in, give them the space support and courage to achieve with no thought to how it’s going to make you look.
Men have ALWAYS done this, and used that “brotherhood” mentality to secure education, employment, etc. We have to be each other’s network.
The parable you noted, wow. Absolutely relevant.
Christina, I found your comment to be SO SO INSIGHTFUL. Hopefully, you don’t mind, but I actually screenshot your comment and sent it someone in my DMs. The image of “bringing two chairs with you” is so freaking powerful and it cannot be said enough. We need to say it over and over and over again, until it becomes as ingrained as the “bro-hood” that has propped male success all these centuries. Thank you so so much for this concrete and tangible encouragement on how we can do better for each other!!
With the rapid changes in societial norms over the past 10/15 years, many people including myself have not challenged these behaviours. Have we given oxygen to these type of characters because the silent majority have ‘shaken it off’ and not challenged. I’m with you in that these sorts of behaviours need to be called out, most people who ‘like’ don’t even really understand what they are liking!.. and will only think when someone starts the thinking for them. Love the book by the way!
Jad, it’s so easy to get lulled into believing that “norms” should be “normal” forever. I think this is understandable–change often brings with it disruption and anxiety. There’s also loss that adheres to a deviation from “what we always do.” I read this really interesting article in WaPo about a woman whose daughter is vegan and in it, the mother laments the fact that she can no longer have her grandmother’s cake for Thanksgiving (a beloved recipe) because of her daughter. Putting aside the fact that nothing stopped her from just eating the cake herself, I did appreciate the honesty with which the mother voiced her complaint. She wasn’t just grieving the loss of the cake, but the loss of a family tradition. That’s valid. When you wrap into that the grief of diaspora, we can see why nationalism becomes a bandaid–an imperfect one that can sometimes lead to infection. I love the observation you made: “ppl who ‘like’ don’t even really understand what they are liking!” SO TRUE!!! Thank you for weighing in and for the kind words about my book. I hope Book 2 serves you just as well!!!
In reading this weeks post about hate comments I have to say: No one is a prophet in their own land/ heritage land! or so they say in the hispanic world. I do enjoy your vegan korean recipes b/c I try to be vegan 90% of the year and I like Kfood. So, in the 2014 words of the great Swift, shake it off!
Ive, I absolutely love that quote!! “No one is a prophet in their own land/heritage”!! I’m going to use that! I’m so glad you enjoy my recipes and I really hope you enjoy them for years to come. And YES!! I will shake it off!! <3
Honestly, I’ve recently been trying to connect more with my Korean heritage because I was adopted, and it was extremely difficult in the beginning because I’m a vegetarian. Then I found your cookbook and a whole new world literally opened up for me and I finally felt like I could explore my roots and Korean culture without struggling to maintain my own choices about my diet. I haven’t been able to eat bulgogi in YEARS. You have actually been a huge help and have given me the opportunity to reconnect and experience my own heritage. Thank you for what you do – and I am looking forward to your next cookbook! I can’t wait! You’re amazing!
Olivia, I read your comment out loud at breakfast because of how much it warmed my heart. I am not an adoptee so I cannot imagine what your journey towards your Korean heritage must be like. I’m just incredibly honored that I get to be a part of it. I can’t describe how wonderful it made me feel to read that my cookbook led to a “whole new world literally open[ing] up for” you. Thank you for this beautiful gift you’ve given me. I hope my recipes and stories continue to make your path a friendly one. <3
Wonderful post, wonderful reminder not to blame the other women at the table.
Looking forward to the new book!
Exactly!! And thank you!!! I can’t wait for you to get your hands on it!
I read the wholesome post. I’m sorry that you have to through this. We have the similar issues in my Deaf community. I think it’s important that we lift each other up regardless of anything because we all need it. I’m not a vegan but appreciate everything vegan, especially when it comes to allergies. My son has a dangerous shrimp allergy and he loves Korean food, especially Kimchi and so many recipes uses shrimp paste and so on. I bet this is also true for many other people regardless of nationality and background. I know some Deaf South Koreans who actually are vegan and I recommended your book. (The Deaf community is small across the world!) stay just the way you are and admitting to the frustration of toxic jealousy and struggles just makes you more human and reachable than a social media “influencer” (and I mean this in both senses – you and that anonymous person) keep doing what you love.
Trisha, thank you so much for sharing this. It is especially insightful to read this comment from someone in the deaf community. You are right–no matter what, we should aim to lift each other up. I’m also so glad that my recipes have allowed you and your son to enjoy Korean food!! Yes, shellfish manages to find its way into SO MANY Korean foods! And thank you so very much for recommending my book–that is truly the most generous thing. Thank you also for letting me share my frustrations and struggles in such a safe space. <3
I think the success of your channel, your cookbook and your influence speaks for itself.
You are introducing your cultural heritage and foods to a lot of people who otherwise would never experience it in any degree. I have always tended to avoid Asian foods in general because I am allergic to shrimp/shellfish and it always seems to find its way into my food in Asian restaurants. At the same time, I love a lot of the flavor profiles.
I really appreciate your perspective and your information. Some people have to hate on other people to feel better about themselves and I don’t really get that phenomena, but I have seen it.
Wishing you all the best going forward.
Hi Joanne!
I just wanted to say I think you are being sooo generous, in your assessment and your kind understanding of the woman who sent you that DM.
I truly appreciate you and your inclusiveness.
As for me, a white older woman, I’ve truly always believed
“There’s room for everyone.”
But I also recognize that ☝️☝️this could be my own *privilege* that allows me to think in this way. I only get “minority status” by virtue of being Bi; I cannot imagine the barriers you— as not only a woman but an immigrant and minority— had to bust down, in order to get to the top of your field!
And…CONGRATULATIONS on the increasing Vegan-ism in Korea! Much of that, is due to your strong influence, Joanne.
I’m carrying you in my heart! ❤️
Lisa, while there are important differences in our life experiences, I am a woman. And, as such, I’m certain we share a great deal in common when it comes to feeling like we’re often on the outside, looking in. The truth is, there is an abundance of wealth, when it is distributed reasonably and fairly. But thousands of years of human history has facilitated a very unequal distribution and the only way to effectuate a RE-distribution is if enough of us are there to demand it. That will never happen if we attack each other. It will only happen if we support each other. Thank you for this lovely comment, for proving my point so effortlessly, and for reminding me what a joy it is to connect with women from all over the place and all walks of life. <3
Michelle, thank you so much for this note. It makes me happier than I can describe that you are getting to try more Korean cuisine because of my recipes!! And you are so right–some ppl DO make themselves feel better by stepping on other ppl and it’s so ugly. Thank you again for this beautiful message of encouragement!!