I Can’t Deal with Text Messages Anymore.

  • November 18, 2024
A Thread on Text Messages

I Don’t Like Text Messages.

I’ll come right out and say it:

I don’t like text messages.

I’m upfront about it, though–I tell people who I view as potential friends, “I don’t text. I suck at it. If you want to reach me, email me. And even then, only if it’s really important.” I’ll admit, text messaging has its place: “Hey, I forgot to add this to the list but can you pick up a few honeycrisps for Lulu?” or “Hey Omma can you tell me again what brand of rice flour you like?” And I’ll go even further and say that for some–those who have crippling anxiety about talking to people in-person or on the phone–text messaging can offer a line of communication that wouldn’t otherwise exist.

But I also find that text messages encourage a sort of “shortcut” in relationships. Or, put another way, offer a convenient screen (pun intended) between communication and the ensuing consequences. If you don’t want to deal with the immediate aftermath of emotionally unloading on someone, then text it. My cousin once got dumped through a series of aloof text messages. I really can’t think of a more cruel way to handle something like that. I get that it’s easier to communicate with someone via text; but, that’s just it–some conversations were not meant to be easy. They should be hard. Because hard things promote growth.

I also think text messages give license to people in a way I find intrusive and, well, rude.

Let me ask you: have relationships really improved in any measurable way from the days when one needed to pick up the phone and call someone to talk to them? Have text messages facilitated access to otherwise unplumbed depths in our friendships, an access that didn’t exist when we had to knock on a person’s door to have a chat? Are we now better off, socially and emotionally, because it’s so much cheaper to send hundreds of instant messages a day than to pull out a pen and write an actual letter?

If the answer to this is “no, we’re not better off,” let me ask you another question: would you feel comfortable calling someone 15 times a day for any old random thing that popped into your head? Or knocking on their door at breakfast, lunch, and dinner to show them a picture of your faucet? Or write them a letter every single day to tell them about how many times your dog went potty? If the answer to this is, “no” (as it would be for any normal human being), why is it ok to do this via instant communication?

The thing is, though the cost of communication has become much lower, mental rent has not. If anything, we have so crammed our lives with cheap information, data we picked up at the informational equivalent of a garage sale, that space is at an all time low. Perhaps twenty years ago, when social media was barely a fully-formed idea, I had plenty of room for words about the state of your kitchen faucet or pet’s digestive habits; but today, my intellectual and emotional corridors are packed with useless information, as the amount of things taking up space “rent free” inside my head has reached capacity. Thus, while it may cost you nothing to share all these random bits of your life, I am less inclined to part with the precious unoccupied spaces in my brain to make room for them.

More importantly, I did not agree, and have never agreed, to take time out of my day to respond to them.

We’ve somehow tricked ourselves into believing that because “it only takes a second to respond,” making space for such low-cost exchanges should be equally effortless. But is the little “ding” that goes off on your phone, diverting your attention, really any different from getting up to answer the door every 5 minutes? I think we can agree that it is way not cool to ring someone’s doorbell every 5 minutes. Is it really that “easy” to drop everything you’re doing–writing a memo, putting together a deck for a meeting, having said meeting, baking a cake–and turn to a string of 15 text messages about people you don’t know and their cats? And is it really that simple to file away all the inane messages you have to reply to within a set period of time because of some unspoken social edict that makes you the asshole for not doing so?

Maybe five years ago, it was ok to ignore text messages like these or, at least, take some time replying to them; but cultural norms have, predictably, shifted with technology: “Ignoring messages is frowned upon in these always-on times,” writes Jackie Carlise for this essay in the NYT. And “always-on” is an apt description. According to one study, 30% of adults admit to being “almost always online.”

When I first started practicing at the Firm in 2004, we were all given Blackberries. And I remember thinking that even though it was extremely convenient, it also robbed me of any plausible deniability. I could no longer say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t get your email until I got in this morning.” And because I could no longer say that, there was an implicit expectation that work didn’t end when I left the office. It didn’t end when I went to sleep. It didn’t even end when I went to the freakin’ bathroom because now, I didn’t need to lug a laptop around with me to remain accessible. This expectation expanded exponentially when airplanes started offering wi-fi. My clients could reach me anywhere, anytime, and therefore, they could take up all the intellectual space they wanted and demand a response, unless I set my own boundaries.

I think many people, particularly millennials and younger, would view the above example as toxic. We all deserve a break from work. It’s not fair to expect someone to remain on-call 24/7 every single day of their lives. Why is it different in the social arena? I find it odd that people get so bent out of shape when they don’t receive a reply to their text messages, but never bother to ask, “Well, am I being disrespectful by sending this 17th text message of the day?”

We have so lowered the cost of communication, is it any wonder that communication, itself, has begun to lose meaning? It’s now so inexpensive to share our thoughts with people, that we have grown careless about the thoughts we choose to share (in as much as we’ve grown careless about how we share them). It’s analogous to the development of digital cameras–back when we were limited to film and each image carried a cost, we took a degree of care in capturing our memories. But with the ubiquity of camera phones and the seemingly endless space for storing pics of our kitchen sink, that cost no longer exists. And we are reaping the unintended and ironic consequences of excessive efficiency–the dilution of one of the most fundamental, bedrock cornerstones of healthy, sustainable relationships:

Communication.

Ask yourself, if you got to text personal messages to someone only 4 times a month, wouldn’t you make sure that what you texted them really counted? And as a recipient of text messages… wouldn’t it be nice knowing that each text you received was carefully thought over, subjected to the kind of consideration that makes them worth the notification bell? Instead, not ONLY have we replaced vast portions of in-person interactions with digitized communication, we are incentivized to send out lazy communications inside a vacuum: screenshots instead of actual sentences, a viral TikTok as proxy for a full conversation, half-formed ideas and random musings with vague punctuation. And we do this without having to be accountable to the immediate consequences one would necessarily confront when speaking face-to-face or even on the phone.

At some point, it is inevitable that this type of lazy communication bleeds into every other type of communication we engage in–not just on our phones.

Before you accuse me of being a heartless, antisocial, asshole, I do think there’s room for meaningful exchanges via text messaging. In fact, that’s my point. If we treated instant communications as if they were taxed, we would undertake the effort to ensure they were worth that tax.

I guess this is all to say… Please don’t text me more than 4 times a month. Please.

And if you’re waiting for me to reply to your 11th message of the day…? Unless someone has died, don’t hold your breath.

Thoughts On This Week’s Topic?


FREE e-Book: Seven Spectacular Side Dishes!

I have spent the better part of this month developing, filming, writing, and putting together Seven Spectacular Sides, my new e-book for you to cook from for your next holiday party. Because, let’s face it–the best dishes on the table are almost always side dishes!! I want you to have plenty of time to try making these before your big day, so you can figure out which of these you want to be your showstopper! Or, you can make them all–I mean, they’re that good!!

Seven Spectacular Side Dishes E Book.

If you’re already subscribed to my newsletter, the direct link to the e-book is in your inbox (Tuesday, Nov 19). If not, click the button above to subscribe and get cookin’!!


Parting Thoughts.

My father used to gift me with a handwritten birthday card every single birthday since I can remember. It was only a few years ago that the cards stopped. I loved his handwriting, each letter uniformly slanted and so professional looking. And no sooner would I get past, Dear Joanne, than tears would threaten to spill down my face. He always ended the card with, “Love, Your Dad.”

For someone who never got to hear those words spoken out loud, seeing them written in his handwriting–it was important.

Now, I get a text message on my birthday.

And I get it–he’s older and I don’t live in Chicago anymore. He can’t just hand me an envelope containing a pink card made of thick card stock with swirly calligraphic letters outlined in glitter. I do get it.

But somehow, “Love, Your Dad” in a text message? It doesn’t have the same impact as when written by his own actual hand.

Still, it was a good, long run. Even as I write this, I can feel a squeeze in my chest knowing that I have more than 40 handwritten birthday cards from my otherwise uncommunicative father. Man, I am a lucky girl indeed, to have parents who love me as much as mine do.

Wishing you all the best,
-Joanne

Comments & Questions.

Subscribe
Notify of
44 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Micky Reger
13 days ago

Just simply love your comments, thoughts, ideas and life’s reflection. I started to follow you for your cooking — am a proud owner of your cookbook — and have made many of your recipes on repeat. I also am part of your online cooking club, year 2 for me – TKV?, but unfortunately, seem to forget to use it months at a time…

Apart from your cooking expertise, experience and obvious success, I absolutely LOVE reading your blog posts, comments, thoughts, etc. If I ever were to stop following you regarding recipes, I would definitely keep following you for your exceptional commentary on the world and the “state of affairs”… Keep going, and please, do not let anybody stop you, every!

Joan S
15 days ago

Yes, I respond much less expeditiously. LOW BANDWIDTH!

And remember paying for long distance calls? Talking on the phone was so much more limited back then, and therefore more calculated. Not that people talk on the phone much anymore, but still…

Thank you!

Anthony Molinaro
14 days ago
Reply to  Joan S

That’s a great point on the long distance calls. Wow, I’m thinking back to all the times making calls to and from Italy: handfuls of coins, calling cards, and DEFINITELY limited talk time! Had to really make the most of it.

Anthony
3 days ago

Calling Cards!

Anthony Molinaro
3 days ago
Reply to  Anthony

I remember all the calling cards I bought in Rome.

Margaux
15 days ago

Thank you for voicing your thoughts on what is seemingly an audaciously unpopular opinion, one that resonates greatly with me. My former incarnation was that in crisis management (on a global scale), so being on-call 24/7 wasn’t just expected, it was a given. It took a year since retiring of turning off all notifications/unsubscribing from mailing list/’training’ those around me by making it clear not to expect instantaneous replies from me (unless emergent, and then and only then to make a call to my home phone which redirects to mobile if I’m out). Sounds a little militant for certain, but shouldn’t we when protecting our mental health? And yes, I’ve taken up letter writing using fountain pens and a typewriter for those special occasions or ‘just because’ for those in my life who appreciate a random but tangible form or communication, wax seal and all!

Mina
16 days ago

I Love your weekly musings 🙂 Also, I hope I entered the giveaway, I’ve been trying for days and just get redirected to a blank page (technology, grrrrr…..

Kelly
16 days ago

I’m one of those people that loathe talking on the phone. I prefer texting. However, as I get older (I’m in my 40s), I find that I’m texting less and less. And I no longer drop everything I’m doing to answer texts. To me, emails are no different than texts. I still get a notification on my phone, I still need to reply, etc. While I prefer face to face conversations, I realize that’s not always possible.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while I dislike talking on the phone, I’m also beginning to dislike texting. Maybe I’ve just become so introverted and fed up with people that face to face conversations are my preference or recording a message and sending it.

Melissa
16 days ago

This may be slightly off-topic, but the number of election texts I received daily had me ready to throw my phone against the wall. I believe strongly in civic duty but I have never resented incoming texts more in my life.

Carol
16 days ago

I agree. Currently researching how to replace my smart phone with an alternative rather than replace it. It may be people perceive texting as more conversational communication. And with all the data hacking, it is increasingly being used at the expense of the owner who is paying the monthly bill for them to do so.

Cece
17 days ago

(Okay, but who is texting you 11 times a day??) I relate so much to the negatives of lower-cost communication–I used to look forward to plane rides because I could turn off emails and phones, but that’s not even an excuse anymore. I would also add that the advent of voice memos–something I do enjoy most of the time–makes it even easier to barrage others with very active demands on time and attention. Some days, I wish we could go back to the art of writing letters, but I’m afraid this is a Pandora’s Box that we can’t rein back.

Rachel
17 days ago

OMG THIS! I am with you on the please don’t text me. When my mom was dying, the emotional burden of 20 texts a day saying “how are you”? What an impossible question…..was totally overwhelming. I’ve definitely pissed people off by telling them please don’t text me or if you do, please don’t expect me to respond.

Rachel
16 days ago

💓 you’re just the best in every way

Vic
17 days ago

Hi, Joanne. I enjoyed reading this post. Your commentary on human contemporary ways and means of communication is very insightful. Your thoughts recall how sometimes it seems that the more “connected” we are told we are or are supposed to be leads to exhaustion, frustration, and a sense of isolation. We have the right to choose the level, means and quality of social interactions and how “well informed” we wish to be – our mental and spiritual well-being depend on this.

Sharline Evans
17 days ago

My daughter has been sending me texts even concerning medical issues. I find this disrespectful and sad that she doesn’t find me important enough to take the time to call. So sad for me but so sad for her. I’m going to be 82.

Debra Jackson
17 days ago
Reply to  Sharline Evans

Thank you for sharing, Sharline! Joanne posted some great questions. I am a daughter who uses texting to connect with family. Recently, I texted to see how my mom was doing healthwise to my sisters. We live in different states. I’m sorry to say that I am frustrated because 1. they didn’t answer the phone call/ email I made 2. they didn’t bother to tell me they were moving to a different location. I am heartbroken
at our communication.

Vegan Pet Sitter
17 days ago

yes, Yes & YES!

Some of my favourite books on this matter:

The One-Life Solution: Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success
– by Dr Henry Cloud (a book about the since of implementing boundaries, time boundaries, values and integrity)

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High – Third Edition by
Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory

Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity –
by Edward Slingerland

The End of Absence: Reclaiming What We’ve Lost in a World of Constant Connection –
by Michael Harris

Solitude: In Pursuit of a Singular Life in a Crowded World –
by Michael Harris

A free 10 day silent Vipassana meditation sit, can also give anyone experiential comparative understanding, outside of constant, unintentional instant communication culture.

Debra
17 days ago

Joanne I love your news letters. I’ll be checking those resources out as well.

Brenda Zeller
17 days ago

Oh, Joanne, I agree – I don’t like texts at all. `They feel to me like someone always poking me in the arm or back. I don’t like that most people think you have to immediately text back. The keyboard on my old cell phone is so small it takes me forever to reply – so I don’t. If something is that important, call me on the phone! All the best to you!

Estefania
17 days ago

Even I have to recognize that I prefer, sometimes, write a text for those so embarrassing or emotional compromised things that wouldn’t feel able to say out loud. I agree with the anxiety that the necessity of reply to a text no matter the time or day has completely be fear of my own phone

Bette
17 days ago

On the sad January day I received more happy birthday text messages than actual phone calls or even emails, I swore off texting. I hate it. It is shallow and meaningless. And yes, I find it contributes to our collective ADHD, being never able to finish anything without interruption. Now, I turn off my ringer and review messages once or twice a day. If I miss the one life-altering text, I apologize in advance.

Jillene Moore
17 days ago

I very much agree with all your brilliant insights. Over time I’ve noticed that my contemplative practices inform me better about communication ~ both what’s inside my own thoughts and emotions, and what I’m noticing in others. Thank you for these reminders.

And I love, Love, LOVE the 7 Side Dishes!! I’ve already printed them and put them into my Favirite Recipes binder (where there are already many from you!). Thank you again.

Sara
17 days ago

I’m with Sally. I’d never thought of experiencing texts like this and I’m glad I have the new understanding, but it’s the opposite of my experience. I get so much joy from people texting me the silly little parts of their lives – the knowledge that something in their day made them think of me warms my heart so much.

Joanne Molinaro
17 days ago
Reply to  Sara

I think there’s room for a wide variety of experiences in this age of digital communication! So glad you and Sally are enjoying the explosion of heartwarming connections on your phone!

Elisa
17 days ago

Was just talking to my hubby about this last night…our children are grown with children of their and own find it perfectly acceptable to send a two or three word text to us, now and again with a emoji a couple times a week. I stopped responding. My hubby says this is just the way the younger generations communicate. Two different perspectives. Guess I’m the old fashioned one here, who still prefers phone calls, visits and hugs. Your post hits the nail on the head, thank you.

Joanne Molinaro
17 days ago
Reply to  Elisa

Elisa—I was thinking too as I wrote this “man I guess I’m just turning into the curmudgeon here.” Hopefully you’ll get to spend some meaningful time with the fam in the incoming holiday!

Kara
17 days ago

LOVE you. Been a fan since your early TikTok videos. I have your cookbook and cherish it! Laughed this morning — immediately after reading your rant about hating texts, the next section of your email is a giveaway, which of course I wanted to enter and… your website TEXTED me a code to confirm I wanted to enter the contest. (I hate having to check my phone for codes texted to me every time I log on to my banking sites, etc.) Teehee.

Joanne Molinaro
17 days ago
Reply to  Kara

Hahahaha the irony. We cannot get away from texts! Good luck on the giveaway!!

Anthony Molinaro
14 days ago
Reply to  Kara

Too funny!! 😂

Sally
17 days ago

You might consider setting up an auto-reply to text messages other than the short list of people you would welcome them from. Your experience is valid, but not universal.

Joanne Molinaro
17 days ago
Reply to  Sally

Haha I wish that would work. But some would feel as offended by that (if not more) than a non-reply. But to your point, I know many ppl enjoy looooooong threads of communication via text and I sometimes wonder if the frustration is really because my thumbs don’t work as well when typing on the small keyboard 😅